Why consquences don’t always work - a personal perspective

This is based on my personal experience as a parent and therapist. All views are my own.

Katy Laing Consultant Speech and Language Therapist

We are a family who live with anxiety and are gradually understanding and unpacking what all of that means for my child and for us. We are also figuring out if there are neurodiverse thinking styles in play. We are also a family who are not getting it right all the time. This morning I got it wrong. I used a consequence to try get what I wanted. I knew it wouldn’t work but I lost control and forgot about the needs of my child. I removed the iPad - the key self-regulation tool because I felt it was maintaining the avoidance about school. It had the opposite of the desired effect. It did not magically motivate them and make getting into school happen. All it did was add to stress. We didn’t make it into school, getting as far as the car park for the umpteenth time and now that we have returned home, my child is using the lack of iPad as a tool for self punishment for failing to get into school. I have made the situation worse. Now I have to repair the loss of trust and nurture the need for self-regulation in a teen who feels so terribly low.

What am I sharing this? In the hope that I am not alone in getting it so terribly wrong, to be open about how tough it it and to connect with others who are finding it tough too.

I am also sharing to help me reflect on what has come up for me this morning and why I reverted to old behaviours…because I feel helpless - not hopeless though. I can learn, I can keep going for them when they want to give up. I can fight because I believe it can get better. But I think I need to listen more. They need more time, to go at their pace, to do things differently and ultimately to feel safe in a world which feels unsafe just now.

I’m sorry my child. I will try to listen more and do it differently.